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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28300422">no body, no crime by merlin (ft. arthur)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nextstopparis/pseuds/nextstopparis'>nextstopparis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>merthur week [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Established Relationship, Fun, M/M, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, and crack but not the drug kind, fluffy fluff fluff, tho i guess that is up for interpretation lmfao</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:08:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,197</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28300422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nextstopparis/pseuds/nextstopparis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin lifts his chin, not at all concerned and, really, quite smug.</p><p>For Day 4 of Merthur Week 2020: "What are you hiding, Merlin?" + Fun.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>merthur week [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2067786</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Merthur Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>no body, no crime by merlin (ft. arthur)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>sljflsijfsoifj HAPPY EIGHT YEARS SINCE CHRISTMAS EVE WAS FOREVER RUINED!!!! I must say this was very conflicting to write bc its such a sad anniversary but this is such a fun topic iosfjdoi. anyway, it took my mind off of things and was SO FUN to write, so. im not complaining one bit.</p><p>title from taylor swift's no body, no crime (ft. Haim).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He wants to blame Arthur, because blaming Arthur is always much more satisfying and fun (and, not to mention, really <em>bloody easy</em>), except this is - unfortunately - all on him. On him and his <em> horrendous </em> inability to follow and keep to schedules. Perhaps it’s the way he was raised; both his mother and uncle Gaius have no head for being on time, so naturally, it’s probably one of the only flaws passed down to him. Yes, yes. Obviously, this is all <em> their </em> fault.</p><p>He’ll be having words with them, later.</p><p>“What are you hiding, Merlin?”</p><p>Well. As soon as he finds a way out of this bloody <em> mess </em> that he could’ve easily avoided had he just <em> checked his bloody watch </em> -</p><p>“I’m - um. You know.” <em> Come on, come on, come on. Bloody think of something already. But - normal. It has to be believable. What can you be hiding that isn’t - </em> “a body.”</p><p>
  <em> No! </em>
</p><p>Arthur raises an eyebrow in clear disbelief, and Merlin doesn’t quite sigh, but it’s definitely a near thing. Just once, he’d like to lie and be believed.</p><p>“A... body?” And like, okay. <em> Fine</em>. Arthur’s entitled to be <em> a little </em> skeptical, but can’t he at least, you know, <em> pretend </em> like it’s a slight possibility? Merlin can very well be hiding a body, for all he knows! Really, the drawl of his (lovely, lovely) voice, laced with amusement and disbelief and maybe even a small ounce of indulgence, is completely unnecessary. <em> Really</em>, it is. </p><p>“Mhm,” Merlin hums, trying to sound extremely convincing and nonchalant, because surely nonchalance will create normality which will make it more believable,  “a body. Yup.”</p><p>“So, you committed -”</p><p>“Murder, yes.” </p><p>“Of course.” So, obviously, he’s not being taken nearly as seriously as he should be for someone who has just confessed to <em> murder</em>. Yet here Arthur is, raising a (golden) eyebrow, not concerned <em> at all</em>, leaning leisurely against the wall. As if a murderer in their house (in their <em> bed</em>, both of which Arthur <em> sleeps and lives in, </em> mind) is an amusing turn of events for him! Merlin’s really rather disgusted, in all honesty. Arthur always complains about <em> his </em>lack of self-preservation skills, and yet there he is, basically provoking a murderer. </p><p><em> Unbelievable</em>. </p><p>Merlin would say something about it, too, if he was more disgusted than offended on his own behalf for not being taken seriously as a self-confessed murderer and all around criminal. </p><p><em> Maybe if I give him a specific victim, </em> he thinks. Yes, details usually mean truth. </p><p>“I am! And it’s. It’s - um. It’s the body of. Um. My mistress.” <em> Damn it. </em></p><p>“Your mistress?”</p><p><em> No turning back Merlin, </em> he thinks ruefully, <em> you bloody fucking idiot. </em> Perhaps Arthur wasn’t completely wrong in his diagnosis of Merlin’s ‘complete idiocy’ (a direct quote, from their first meeting all those years ago. Of course, Arthur has more or less taken the words back, but still. Merlin can admit that he does have his...er. <em> Moments</em>).</p><p>“Um. Yes.”</p><p>“Merlin,” Arthur says, in a deceptively patient voice that is, really, more condescending than anything else, “you’re gay -”  </p><p><em> I was hoping you’d overlook that</em>, Merlin thinks somewhat hysterically, as if that is even possible <em> at all. </em> Yes, he definitely has his moments.</p><p>“Fine, the male version of my mistress.” However, if he does say so himself (which, he does), he bounces back quite impressively. With much grace and so on.</p><p>“So you have a mistress and then a male version of her?” Well, alright. Maybe not, then. Damn Arthur.</p><p>“Yea - I mean no. No, don’t be ridiculous,” he says, pretending, like the best of illusionists, that it is not at all <em> him </em> being the ridiculous one. Arthur looks like he’s having the same thought (as to which one of them is really the ridiculous one). “I meant the male version of <em> a </em>mistress, obviously.”</p><p>“Obviously.” And the thing is that Arthur has mastered this trick - he probably mastered it in the womb, since Arthur has been perfectly perfect at <em> everything </em> since before Merlin and he had even met, really, since before anyone met him (Gwen and Morgana had told him their own versions of the phenomenon, one night, years ago, when Arthur had been gone for a year abroad or whatever, and they’d all been missing him more than normal. Both women were sloshed and clinging to one another - Merlin hadn’t expected to ever see Morgana maudlin - as they talked about Morgana’s half-brother and Gwen’s soon-to-be half-brother-in-law. The next morning they’d sworn him to secrecy, and threatened him until he promised never to talk about it again, but still. The information was as true and sincere as any other unthreatened, out in the open information, so -).</p><p>So, <em> anyway</em>, Arthur has mastered this trick where he can sound perfectly sincere when saying one thing - to an untrained, unsuspecting ear, mind - and yet mean the <em> complete opposite</em>. Even to a more practiced speaker of <em> La Langue d’Arthur, </em> this distinction is often not picked up on<em>.  </em></p><p>Merlin, however, being the most fluent (and willing, really) speaker of the worlds most endangered language, knows that his apparently sincere <em> ‘obviously </em> ’ is the same thing as a normal, not-frustrating person’s <em> ‘okay, sure’</em>.  </p><p>(And, really, he would teach Arthur basic vernacular, except - well. It’s really quite endearing. And there’s just something extremely lovely about being the only person who knows Arthur so well. But, of course, if anyone else asks, he is really very annoyed all the time.)</p><p>“Yes, so if you could please -”</p><p>“Hold on, are you saying I’ve married both a murderer <em> and </em>an adulterer?” Oh, dear lord.</p><p>“I - um. Yes?”</p><p>“Blimey. That was rather important information you forgot to disclose before the wedding.”</p><p>Merlin lifts his chin, not at all concerned and, really, quite smug. He had resigned himself to picking up some of Arthur’s (nasty and <em> not at all </em> attractive) qualities long ago.</p><p>“Oh, please. You would’ve married me anyway.”</p><p>And he even thinks that Arthur smiles fondly at him, then, but he isn’t in much of a position to be reading facial expressions, at the moment, so he just <em> hopes very, very hard </em>that the smile is a fond, indulgent one.</p><p>“Right, then. I’ll leave you to your crimes.”</p><p>“<em>Thank </em> you, darling.” </p><p>***</p><p>A week later, Arthur's surprise party is really more party than surprise (99% party 1% surprise, easily, unfortunately), but Merlin counts it as a win, anyway, because, that night, Arthur presses his face into Merlin’s chest and whispers:</p><p>“I’m glad you’re not a criminal,” to which Merlin snorts and replies:</p><p>“Yeah, well. It’s too much work, anyway.”</p><p>“Mm, I suppose so. Especially when you’re alone in it.”</p><p>Which really, is just on this side of hilarious. Merlin lets his hand card through Arthur’s hair, and whispers - in a voice much too awed and gentle for this teasing, embarrassingly - back: </p><p>“Arthur Pendragon, are you insinuating you’d enter the world of crime with me?” <em> For me? </em></p><p>A haughty sniff later, Arthur murmurs:</p><p>“Of course, you’d be caught two seconds in, without me. No adulterous activity, though, or else I might turn into the murderer.”</p><p>And really, Merlin has no choice but to roll him over and press lush, fervent kisses and heartfelt, uncontainable <em> I love you’</em>s all across his skin.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>lmfao I had to add some tenderness bc I love them, okay? they deserve it after all the shit they went through 8 yrs ago omg.</p><p>anyway, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it even half as much as I enjoyed writing it! it was so fun:)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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